An Outsiders Guide To Liverpool Style
Posted On: 09/05/2015
As a wool (outsider) moving to Liverpool I was understandably excited to experience the Scouse hospitality and could not wait for my first night out on the town!
Cut to me playing the part of Quasimodo, shrinking into the shadows as stunning Sassy Birds recoiled in horror at my flats and vest top combo. Luckily I was promptly adopted and shown the error of my ways!
Follow my guide to save you from making an “absolute show” (embarrassment) of yourself when partying in this fine city.
Yes you do need it. Don’t even attempt home tanning, this is for experienced veterans only. Get a spray tan. Proudly don the sticky feet pads and paper thong; don’t be shy the beautician has seen all the tits and cellulite Liverpool has to offer.
This is an art form. Put those tweezers down! Leave it to an artist who will sculpt that mono-brow into formidable arcs.
3. MAKE UP
Make up counter quality only. It's not expensive it's an investment. Conceal! Contour! Highlight! Marvel as you’re transformed from a weak 5 to a strong 10.
Two layers of mascara will not do Darling! Get those bad boys tinted, curled and layer on the falsies. A Sassy Bird can teach you to express an array of feelings with just a flick of a lash: “come hither” to “fuck off gobshite” in under 60 seconds (gobshite: a bit of a prick that talks shit 24/7). Sassy Bird recommends Illamasqua 14's or 21's
Illamasqua 21's - fit aren't they?
A "bouncy blow" or "up do" is a must (to clarify: hair styles not sex acts). Short hair? Get extensions! Do not attempt a bouncy blow at home you need an expert. We’re looking for Beyonce: I woke up like dis not: I electrocuted dis. Check out 'Cheats Guide to a curly blow'
You can not be known as one of the Power Muff Girls. Nothing weird about paying a woman to get up close and personal to rip hairs out your woo and then thanking her for it. Read more about ladygarden landscaping...
Long or short, real or fake, your nails need to be manicured and painted to coordinate with your fabulous outfit. Obvs!
Don’t even think about squeezing those velociraptor claws into your “Loubies” (slang for Louboutin- lust worthy footwear). Perfectly pampered toes should match the manicure to get the head to toe detail a Sassy Bird is known for.
Very simple, it is to be expensive and delicious. A non negotiable. Nothing you can buy in Home and Bargain ok?
This is not underwear, this is witchcraft. No tits? Padded bra. Spare tire and fat ass? Body shapers. No ass? Padded knickers, yes, seriously these exist! Remember ladies, boobs and booty are power. POWER! I am woman hear my chicken fillets ROAR! Sassy Bird says: My life would not be worth living without the full effects wonderbra
11. THE OUTFIT
This is not a solo effort. Whatsapp groups will be dedicated to the cause. It is to be the Holy Trinity of outfits: fashionable, unique & body flattering. Believe and you will find “The One."
Mark Melia - Making Liverpool beautiful for 30 years...
Statement or delicate layered pieces? This decision can make or break an outfit. Choose wisely grass hopper. Note: Something fabulous on your middle finger for the haters!
Put those Nan shoes down, as in cremate them, seriously put them out of their misery. How are you going to get your Victoria Secret strut on if you’re not sporting new “Fuck YOU” shoes?
Absolutely no fakes! If you can’t afford that Chanel bag that’s fine, rock what you got. Fake your lashes, not your labels.
15. ENJOY IT
Look at you girl! You look boss (excellent). You’ve never looked better. Work it! Flaunt it! Document your amazing night in Liverpool though the medium of #selfie.