8 Things Singles Have To Look Forward To At Xmas
Posted On: 18/12/2016
By: She's Funny For A Girl
Single this christmas? Lucky you...
The obvious one. You won't have to spend £200 this year on a deluxe Paco Rabanne Eau De Parfam set. Eau De get it your god damn self maybe. Plus saving money on train tickets/petrol, 3 different Christmas outfits as you're visiting 3 different sets of family over the whole Christmas period. Buying gifts for in laws... eurgh the list goes on. Just think of that sweet sweet dough sitting in your account just waiting to be spent on more important things like Prosecco, expensive cheese and wine.... and that Anastasia Beverly Hills contour palette.
Only making a fool out of yourself in front of one family
Not having to behave properly in front of other peoples family, making small talk or eating politely because you've got one eye on the delicious posh M&S buffet spread and his Aunt Janine seems to be scranning all the mini smoked salmon with cream cheese bagels. Leave some for the rest of us will ya?! Not cool Aunt Janine, seriously. When all you really want to do is be in the comfort of your own home watching Home Alone 2 and not being judged for drinking prosecco in your pyjamas, is that honestly too much to ask? Plus being single means you're only a constant disappointment to your own family and no one else's. Win win.
You don't have to shave
This is a triumph for single women all year round to be honest. Just be free and accept yourself as the hairy yeti God intended you to be. Failing that, buy super thick denier tights and you'll be sorted.
You can cry yourself to sleep at night and you'll actually lose weight
After doing approximately 27 seconds of research on this I found it to be true. Crying makes you lose weight. How amazing. The stress of dealing with multiple fuckboys or just the realisation that you are a tiny speck in the universe who serves no real purpose and will probably be alone forever, will trigger your tear ducts to explode. Any excuse to gorge on the whole tub of quality street (which..ermm...they have definitely made smaller by the way, those bastards) with no regrets. What a time to be alive!
To me from me
Spend all the money you would have done on a significant other, on yourself. You deserve it. There's no point being the richest sasspot in the grave yard. You need that 3rd Urban decay pallet. Buy it.
No awkward social situations with his family.
“This wasn't the girlfriend you had at the last party” “You the new flavour of the month are you love?” * forced family laughter at Uncle Knobheads joke * I know that was supposed to be a light hearted joke but now my anxiety has peaked and I'm going to have to spend the next 3 hours in the bathroom stalking my fella's social media pages for signs of an illicit affair. Amazing. Thanks so much. Just stay single and endure the usual “Another year single hey? Guess who's just got engaged? Had a baby? Bought a house? “ from your own family instead, much less painful.
You can eat whatever you want.
The only person you have to impress is you and we both know that you have wildly low expectations for yourself. So what, if you eat your weight in Toblerone and Terry's chocolate oranges, the extra body fat will keep your warm at night...which you'll need...because you're alone..and single.
You won't have to post an engagement photo on Christmas day
You're safe in the knowledge that you won't be that sickeningly happy couple on Facebook. Or be utterly disappointed that he didn't get you what you wanted even though you sent him specific links to the exact items. Cue massive argument about if you're relationship is actually going anywhere anyway because he CLEARLY doesn't know who you are, resulting in you starting the new year as a happy singleton. *The circle of liiiiiiife *