Fifteen Shades Of Grey: 15 reasons why Mr Grey is better than your man
Posted On: 14/02/2017
By: Leonie Henderson
With Fifty Shades Darker out at the cinema, and a topless Jamie Dornan back in our lives once again, now is the perfect time to revisit just why Mr Christian Grey is the perfect candidate to become your fictional bit on the side.
We all know 50 Shades of Grey isn't exactly renowned for being a particularly well written book, and the film franchise is unlikely to ever receive a nod for Best Picture at The Oscars, but look, the world is pretty miserable at times and we all need a bit of fluffy escapism now and again.
So forget that the fact that you’re in a relationship that’s more 'Fifty Shades of Greying Boxers He Leaves Lying on The Bathroom Floor All The Time Even Though You Keep Telling Him To Put Them In The Fucking Washing Basket' and remind yourself why Christian Grey is the perfect distraction from boring reality.
1. The Tie
Oh that tie. Just thinking of the grey tie makes my knees turn to jelly. My husband owns normal black ties, and I don’t know why but that grey tie seems so sexy. Novelty ties with Xmas puddings on just don't have the same appeal really do they?
2. The Stalking
Okay, so some of Christian’s behaviour is controlling and let’s be honest, a bit worrying. It's a pretty dark side to him, to say the least, but let's think about how good a bit of tracking could be in moderation. Ever lost your fella while shopping? It’s quite the ballache trying to find each other when you’re stuck in the aisle with no signal and you’re worried you’re going to have to get the tannoy to ask him to meet you at the front of the store, like a child. Christian would be able to locate you within seconds. Not that you’d be doing anything as mundane as the big shop at The Asda when there’s a Play Room at home to be spanked in.
3. The Chopper
He owns a fucking helicopter. Like, an actual real life helicopter. Sorry Husband, you may have a nice car that succesfully passed it's MOT & has a full tank of petrol but what if I fancy a visit to Paris on a whim? You lose this round every single time.
4. The Orgasms
If there’s ever a part of the story that reminds you that 50 Shades of Grey is a work of fiction, it’s without doubt when Ana has multiple orgasms. Prior to meeting Christian Grey, Ms Steele was a virgin but it doesn’t take long for him to have her screaming the multi million pound mansion down. For a man to give you one mind blowing orgasm during your first time is as mythical as a unicorn, let alone multiples. Christian is certainly the holy grail of shagging partners but also, sadly, purely fictional.
Of course if you want a real life millionaire who's guaranteed to keep you coming back for more then you need to get yourself a Millionaire from Smile Makers Collection. Not only do SMC pride themselves on women empowerment and being 'friendly vibrators' (rather than the scary double 10 foot long dildo you associate with sex shops) but all the product descriptions are hilarious and will have you howling while the expert clit ticklers will have you howling in a very different kind of way...
5. He's a Feeder
He likes girls to eat. None of this awkward ‘I can't eat in front of him’ as we almost all feel when we first start going out with someone. This is the perfect man right here; hand me five cheeseburgers and twenty doughnuts stat.
6. Lift Me Up
What is it with elevators? (Or a lift if you're British - oh no, don't mind us we just invented the language, go ahead Americans and make up all the ridiculous words you want!) I may be living in a fantasy world but my husband just doesn’t seem to get the hint when I grind up against him in the lift, but Christian would just push me up against the wall and fuck me hard. The naughty sex god.
7. Money CAN Buy Me Love....
Look, I’m not materialistic but any man who buys me an Audi and champers just because he can would have me signing an S&M contract right there and then. Throw in a pair of Jimmy Choos and I’ll even have his babies.
8. No Fakin'
We’ve all been there when we really, really like someone but they just can’t get your engine started. They bob up and down on you and you end up faking an orgasm just to save them the embarrassment and stop them running over into Eastenders time. Ain't nobody got time fo' dat. With Christian there's no fakery required, the man could make my nether region melt just by saying he has a twitchy palm.
9. He'll always go to the shop for you
I mean would your man willingly pull a tampon out of your vagina? I think not. The mention of periods to normal men makes them run away and avoid you like the plague, but not Mr Grey. He’d get right up in there. Wow. Not even sure if that's a good thing or not but scientists do say women become extra horny on their periods. Just saying.
More importantly If he's willing to remove a tampon, he'll most likely to go to the shop for you when you need chocolate to cure your PMT. Or at least send his butler.
10. He likes to give a good spanking
There's nothing better than a man who'll pull your hair and smack your ass and if you can find one who'll can get the after sting just right then you've got yourselves a keeper. FYI, If you can't read his fortune via the palm print he leaves on your arse, he's not spanking hard enough.
11. He doesn’t like being touched
I find this in itself very sexy, it becomes like a forbidden treat whereas most men are all too willing to let you touch them. It also means you'll never have to give him a massage - BONUS!
12. I bet that you look good on the dance floor....
Mr Grey can dance! My poor husband has terrible rhythm bless him, but my lover Christian has snake hips. Bumping and grinding with him would give anyone the instant horn
13. Size matters
His manhood is huge. Well this is all down to personal preference (just in case there are any men reading this, that's the official story and we're sticking to it). Some of you ladies may have the perfect man but with a teeny, tiny thingy and it makes you sad. Well be sad no more! Fantasy Dom extraordinaire has a massive one and well, we've already talked about perfect vibes...
He likes the natural look. Well knock me sideways with a huge feather, you mean getting up at 5am and slapping on your war paint isn’t necessary? Christian doesn’t mind you without makeup on or your awful morning breath. He’s that kind of filthy.
15. He has nightmares rather than be one
Aww, this fulfils the maternal instinct us females are born with. Admit it, when you read that bit you just wanted to cuddle him... or someone... anyone! Most men wouldn’t admit to having nightmares. So not only is Christian a sensitive soul but he’s just 100% man perfection. Sigh.
16. Bonus: "I don't make love, I fuck hard."
So ladies what do you think? Any of you agree with me? While I’m sure we wouldn't swap our husbands and boyfriends for the world, how can they ever compare to a man created from a woman's imagination?