How to: bail on a bad date
Posted On: 13/03/2017
We’ve all been on shocking dates. Really, really shocking dates. You know the ones where if the person opposite you was the last human on earth, you still wouldn’t cop off with them? There are times when you wanna leg it out the nearest bathroom window and risk getting a bad stiletto injury. We get it.
So in the name of helping top Scouse Birds (and anyone else for that matter) to escape so you get the hell home and chill on the sofa in your PJs with a kebab. Here's 7 steps to bailing on a bad date:
1. Avoid clichés
Lame excuses like ‘my hamster has just been run over’ or ‘my flatmate’s man just sacked her off’ sound like you have just pulled them out of thin air. Stick to ones about feeling ill; start by rubbing your tummy, saying you feel a bit dodgy and then legging it to the ladies. Sorted.
2. Plan ahead
Remember to always plan a first date so you can get away. Tell them you’re off to see your mates, even if you’re going home to top up on your self-tan. If your date is a hotty, it will just make you seem exciting and popular. Win-win!
3. Go mental
Tell him you’re still in love with your ex and start squeezing those tears out. Go slowly at first and then build up to a giant very loud, wailing crescendo when at least one false eyelash is crawling across your face and the whole bar is looking at you and he looks terrified.
4. Offer to set them up
Start a conversation by ‘selling’ one of your single Scouse bird friends; you know the one with the amazing hair and Beyonce-worthy dance moves. He’ll hopefully get the message loud and clear and bugger off.
5. Spill a drink on yourself
Decide whether you want to sacrifice your top half or bottom half and then tell him it’s your favourite outfit, so you need to leave to get the stain out RIGHT NOW. Nothing comes between a Scouse girl and her wardrobe.
6. Get lost
You know those really busy bars and clubs where you go to the loo, then when you come out it’s a bit dark, and you’ve lost all sense of direction and can’t find your mates? Hopefully you will be at one of those places and if it’s not you can just pretend. Offer to get the next round in and “get lost” on your way back.
7. Start an argument
Pick on something random that he could be doing, like staring at the bird across the room, then tell him to stop it. When he denies it yell really loudly: “Eeeeee you were.” And repeat, until he leaves.
Finally, if all else fails, it’s time to get on the vodka shots. Hopefully he’ll be buying.