How to: Tell if you're dating an arsehole

Posted On: 15/04/2017

By: Katy Horwood

I think it’s fair to say I have known a fair amount of arseholes in my time. Arseholes aren’t always easy to spot. Far from it, given their feverish appetite for the chase they will often lure you into believing that they are attentive and kind. Not unlike your common or garden variety of psychopath, an arsehole will demonstrate high levels of charm and intelligence; they excel in their ability to convince people of their genuine sincerity and warmth. It is because of this that, in the initial stages of dating, it is often difficult to distinguish whether or not your partner is a reasonably nice bloke with a few faults or a complete c**t.

His favourite letter is ‘I’.

Probably the easiest way to recognise an areshole. His favourite thing, bar none, is to talk about himself – at great length. He will welcome feedback of course, especially when it is about how intelligent/good looking/successful he is. So, by all means contribute to the conversation, just make sure your sentence begins with the word ‘you’.

A good arsehole experiment is to initiate a conversation about yourself. Start talking about your work for example, a situation you are dealing with at home or – if you’re feeling very brave and are prepared to call time on the relationship that very moment – your emotions. The most feared topic for arseholes everywhere. In this situation he is likely to either make an excuse to leave the environment as quickly as possible or glaze over and think about who he can have sex with next.

His idea of romance is suggesting a threesome with his best friend.

An arsehole not only loves the sound of his own voice he also loves being the centre of attention, not least of all sexually. In bed, it’s his way or the highway. Things an arsehole will do in bed include – pulling your hair and calling you a filthy whore (role-play ya’ know) sticking his penis in your mouth at every possible moment, or your arse. Or, even better, suggesting his friends join in so that they can do both (what’s the problem? My ex-girlfriend loved it, she was so much fun!)

What an arsehole won’t do in bed is spend time on foreplay which isn’t centred around him, prioritise your orgasm, or consider whether you actually want his penis in your arse.

He will think nothing of pointing out your faults.

The important thing to remember, should you wish to date an arsehole, is that you are there to make him look good. An arsehole isn’t interested in a relationship he is interested in having another object in his life which may enhance his credibility and appearance.

With this in mind, you will be – attractive, thin, well turned out, always in heels, never complaining, never tired and totally love deep throat.

You won’t be – without make-up, in a tracksuit, with an opinion that should conflict with his, not in the mood for sex or blow jobs in restaurant toilets should the whim take him.

An arsehole will think nothing of mentioning the fact that you’ve put on a little weight, that you’re wearing the wrong dress, or that you having your period is ‘really f**king annoying’.

He never uses the C-word – commitment.

Ever.
Arsehole do not commit. Mentioning the word commitment to an arsehole is as pointless as mentioning the word democracy to Kim Jong-un. So on a positive note it’s nothing personal, on a negative – if you’re looking to be anything more than something fun to play with once in a while until the novelty wears off then you might want to think about going elsewhere.

Girlfriends are like condoms – totally disposable.

There is very little point in playing games with an arsehole. For once the initial chase is over and you have allowed yourself to be caught, for him, the fun ends. So, if you are in the company of an arsehole which you feel is pulling away, trying to lure him back with game playing is pointless. You ‘playing it cool’ by not picking the phone up for a few days won’t make him think, ‘Oh shit, what have I done I better step it up a bit’ it will make him think, ‘Thank f**k for that, It’s over and I didn’t even need to have a conversation, next.’

Frustratingly the hard bit, when dating a complete c**t, is often admitting it to yourself more than it is recognising the traits. However there is good news. Arseholes are unlikely to end up happy. A person rarely acts like an arsehole for the fun of it but more as a consequence of deep insecurities. So whilst you have moved on to a far more adult and fulfilling relationship, take comfort in the fact that, deep down he is unhappy, insecure and lonely … ah now, feel that warm glow.

XOXO

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