Valentines Wankers: Who They Are & How To Spot Them

Posted On: 13/02/2017

By: Amelia - Utterly Feral

The shops are awash with love hearts, cards and presents. So, it's just about that time of year where I get myself all hot under the collar and start ranting like a little bitch at 'Valentine Wankers'.

'Valentine Wankers' are terrible, pessimistic creatures that crawl out but once a year to try and make lovers feel like prize pricks!

BUT A-HA THE JOKE IS ON YOU VW! If you can't embrace love for a day, just for the sake of it- then I feel sorry for you. So sly.

How to spot a Valentines Wanker

The smartarse

They will say stupid shit like "I love my husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend all year round so buying a bunch of flowers today is bollocks."

Ah I see, that's cleared it all up for me. I only love my husband on Valentine's Day you see.

The 'Yer Da'

They'll have a rant on Facebook and spout mindless drivel about how “ its all so commercial"
So is Christmas, give me back your present if that's the case. Fucking tight arse,  bore off.

scouse bird utterly feral red roses meme valentines wanker (1)

The Jealous Cow

This is actually a whole other sub-category. I often find some of the worst Valentine Wankers are the women who have useless men. They are blatantly secretly embarrassed at how pants their partner is, so will try to put a dampener on everyone else's fun.

  • They'll moan  and complain like “Why do people spend so much on this shit?" Listen hun, some of the best gifts on Valentine's Day are cheap, personal and handmade in my opinion, but I'm not going to say no to diamonds if they're on offer - know what I'm saying? I applaud any man that goes above and beyond for his lady and vice-versa!
  • “Feel ashamed for the people posting their Valentines presents on here! #tacky”. Listen sunshine it's not my fault your fella is a bag of shite, I’m not a big fan of chocolate body spread myself but at least my one has had a go.
  • “Ewwww soppy! Vom!” Awwww sorry girl, do you feel queasy? Excuse me while I find someone who gives a shit. Now fuck off and fume elsewhere por favor and stop killing all my loving vibes.
  • “I don't need any presents to know that my man loves me!” True story. But a bit of effort doesn't hurt does it? If he can't even spare a fiver on a bit of lovey dovey tat …well you have every right to withhold that annual BJ. Fair’s fair.

The Hilarious 'Lad' 

Oh and on that note, there's the other category of Valentine Wanker. The ‘macho man crowd’ that will give it beans about ‘Steak and Blowjob day.’

scouse bird steak and blowjob day valentines meme

You'll spot him 'cos he'll post something like “Never mind Valentine's Day, it's all about Steak and Blowjob day next month!” THIS MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL. I mean... come on, ain't no woman worth her salt buying into that shit. He can have a ‘Steak and count himself lucky he has a sexy bastard of a woman like me day’ and like it.

scouse bird mmmmhmmm sassy woman gif

Now, if you are not a fan then that's fine. Absolutely fine. But, just try not to go around pissing on everyone else's red roses OK? It's not my fault you're tight as fuck.

I have been single on Valentine's Day, many times. I still loved everything about it! I watched my parents exchange cards and love from a young age; they have been married 35 years and the little things in life like this still matter to them.

Life is far too short. Why don't we all just make the most out of any opportunity to celebrate?
Share this with a valentine wanker, it's never too late to change! 

Go on… stick on a bit of Barry White, pop that M&S dine for two meal in the oven and throw love around like confetti.

Happy Valentines Day!


Love Amelie

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