Xmas Drinking Guide: How To Not Be A Dick

Posted On: 08/12/2016

By: Zoe Yak

We all know that Xmas is a bit of a drinking free for all but there are some rules to be observed e.g. It's fine to have vodka for breakfast, but makes sure it's with orange - come on people, we're not animals. Wine is fine to drink around the clock... as long as it's mulled of course.

Mad Friday, the last Friday before Christmas, sees office workers clocking off for the year and celebrating by consuming copious amounts of booze. This is enough to strike fear in the hearts of anyone who earns a living from pulling a pint. Even the most reserved drinker can suddenly start acting like they’re on a rowdy Hen Do with just the addition of a festive hat and an early dart from work.

So spare a thought for those behind a bar this year; having to do 7 14 hour shifts on the bounce and hearing Mariah Carey 3456th times a day and pledge to make their Mad Friday as painless as possible. Follow these basic guidelines around Xmas drinking...

Swerve the cocktails

Chances are, you’ll be in your local pub where you’re normally satisfied with a pint and a packet of crisps but then some nobhead in your group asks to see the cocktail menu and decides you should all push the boat out and get a Christmas Cosmo. Don't. The bar staff don’t need to be shaking spirits about for half an hour for you to gulp it all in one go and have to order something else.

Save the martinis, old fashioneds and what not when you’re back at yours and can attempt to make some concoctions half cut in the comfort of your own home. These recipes are simple to master and perfect to round off the night better than getting some cans from the 24 hour offy.

Skyy Merry & Bright

Avoid having sex on the premises

Look, I know after 7 Baileys Gavin from accounts is starting to look alright actually, his hunch is even quite sexy in a quirky way and his bad breath masked by all the mulled wine he’s had, but you do you have any idea how awkward and annoying it is for bar staff to have to disrupt your festive fumble in the toilets? Keep your Crimbo novelty thong on until you get home.


Spare me the ‘I don’t get tips in my workplace for just doing my job’ speech - guess what you get instead of tips? A living wage and Christmas off with your family. Don’t be a mingebag, leave a couple of quid and leave the rants about how ‘tipping is just another thing we’ve picked up from the Yanks’ to Yer Da.

Know your order

Look, this isn’t the night to be lingering at the bar asking about their selection of gins and specials. This is the evening for basic house spirits or a pint. Make sure that when the bartender asks you what you want that you actually do; don’t suddenly start yelling across the other side of the pub to ask Sharon whether she wanted slimline or regular tonic. Sod Sharon and her diet. In fact, get her full fat to make up for the fact she’s banged on about Slimming World all year. Boring cow.

Have basic manners

We’re all familiar with the word ‘please’ and the phrase ‘thank you’, yes? Great stuff. Let’s all pledge to remember them when we’re 6 pints in and barking our orders at the bar. Another crazy idea, let’s try our best to place the kitty money into the bartender’s hand rather than chucking it down onto the soggy beer mat for them to pick it up off? It is the season to be jolly and merry but also not forget we were brought up, not dragged up.

Order Guinness first  

After ordering 17 drinks, all one by one, don’t round things off with “Oh and a Guinness too babe”. Maybe you genuinely forgot, perhaps you get your kicks from winding up bar staff - whatever the reason, for everyone’s blood pressure, just get Barry a pint of mild instead and tell him the Guinness was off.

No ID jokes

Whether you’ve only just turned 18 and get sassy when someone dares question if you’re old enough to drink even though we all know the Think 25 policy, or you’re middle aged and like to giggle your way through saying “Do you need to see my proof of age?”, have a night off. Seriously, as a Christmas gift to all hospitality staff, retire this ‘joke’ for just one evening please.

No mistletoe

Terry, your own wife doesn’t even want to neck you these days - stop waving mistletoe near the 18 year old barmaid and asking for a kiss, you absolute danger to society.

Merry Christmas


Read more of Zoe's blogs here 

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