The three stages of drunk

Posted On: 29/06/2016

By: Scarlett Wonderland

Last Friday morning, after a particularly fabulous ‘Cocktail Thursday’, I woke up to a banging headache and some truly harrowing flashbacks of searching for flights to Ibiza.

As I nervously checked my e-mails, I could help but feel like this had happened before. Why? Well probably because it has happened before. Every single fucking Friday since I decided to go on a one-woman crusade to make Cocktail Thursdays a ‘thing’.

Anyway, it dawned on me that this sinking feeling of potentially having ruined my life after a night out, was not down to those four Basil Grandes on an empty stomach, but rather the failure to correctly identify the three danger areas of drunkenness. 

So to make it easy for you to navigate you way through to the morning after without humiliating, bankrupting or exposing yourself

Stage One: The Love Phase

Also known as the Epiphany Stage; where you suddenly realise that you’re life and every single person in it is, quite simply, fabulous… and that must make you pretty fucking fabulous too.

How to handle it:

Texting all of your mates to tell them how much you love them is absolutely fine – after all, who doesn’t love fan-mail at 3am?! I once lost three phones in the space of 8 months purely from drunk-texting song lyrics to my best mate in between necking £1 death shots in CaVa.

How not to handle it:

Now is definitely not the time to take to Facebook to declare your undying love for your ex by liking all of their photos and reminiscing about the ‘good times’ on their wall. Nor is it the time to attempt to publicly build bridges with a someone you’ve lost touch with – instead, leave yourself a note and see how you feel the following day.


Stage Two: The Truth Phase

You know that thing you promised yourself you wouldn’t bring up this evening? Well this is the point where it’s going to burst out of your mouth like an uncontrollable cannon ball.

How to handle it: 

If you’re going to let some secrets slip make sure they’re good ones, like birthday present details or holiday plans. Additionally playing “I have never” with your closest friends is also acceptable, provided you’re not into anything weird or arrest-worthy.

How not to handle it

Nights out are the perfect opportunity to have a rant to your mates about all the annoying shit your significant other does. It is definitely not the time to pipe up about how you think your friends fella is a massive dickhead, and how she should get rid immediately.

Steer clear of comments such as: “If you want my HONEST opinion, he’s boring as hell and his ears are fucking massive”Don’t worry prin, you’re carrying the weight really well” or You can do so much better than your ex, he was cheating on you with everyone… including me”. 

Stage Three: The Big Idea Phase

This is by far the most dangerous phase of them all, and can generally be defined with such devastating declarations as, “Let’s book a holiday!”“We should totally buy a bar/start a business/have a baby” and worst of them all; “I’ll just give him a quick call.”

How to handle it:

Go home and go to bed. Seriously, nothing good is going to come from riding this storm.

How not to handle it:

Put it this way, whether it’s entering your bank details online, dialling a number or signing along a dotted line – if you find that you’re squinting, with only one eye open, it’s probably best to wait until the morning.


Of course, if you’re reading this with a hangover… chances are I’ve got here too late. So if I were you I’d grab some emergency carbs and get yourself settled in bed before you have a read through last night’s messages.


When she’s not seeking therapy for Xenuphobia (extreme fear of Tom Cruise) Scarlet writes things about her life over at 

Scarlet Wonderland.


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